he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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