Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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