i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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