I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
