I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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