I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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