sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
