the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
