The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
