Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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