Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
there is glitter all over my balls
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
