I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
