so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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