Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
