I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
