Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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