I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
