I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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