So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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