omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
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I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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