A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
