Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
