Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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