When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
It's never too late to be topless.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
