First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
