Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
