I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
