So drunk, too bad you don't want this
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
