we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
