Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
