you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
im drinking this country out of the recession.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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