My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
