Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
