Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
