It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize