i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
