I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
