meet me or not, i'm out of control
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
