Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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