Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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