Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
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I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life