I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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