Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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