We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
