He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
