If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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