Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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