Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
