one might say we're banned from that church
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
