Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
