Grow some girl-balls and come out already
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
i need to put some appletini on your dick
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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