She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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