Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
