i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
